hyphenation station

my parents are sort-of ex-hippies. not hippie enough to have named me tiger lily or rainbow blossom, but hippie enough to give me two last names. i've always been hyphenated. one of the first things people ask when they find out is, "what will you do when you get married? hyphen again?" and laugh at the idea of someone having three last names and two hyphens. um, that's ridiculous. i have never once in my life considered that an option, which is why it always surprises me that people think it's so funny! hee hee hee, i'd have three last names! dude, it's hard enough trying to explain two. three?! you've got to be kidding me.

however, now that marriage is on the horizon i've been giving surnames a lot of thought. on one hand, having only one last name would be easier. it would also be kind of nice since having two last names requires twice the signature and twice the explanations. (my stock answer to the "why" question is that my parent's thought it was funny.) having the same last name as the other members of my little family would be awesome, and since i'm kind of not technically "one of them," it would be nice to at least wear their name. at the same time, keeping one of my last names, and becoming a different kind of hyphen, would also be nice. i'd like to keep my father's name because it was one everyone in my family had at one point in time, and in marrying D i won't have my own children to name. mine came with names, and their own mom. if i'd had a bio-kid, it would have gotten a family name, but since that's not going to happen, it feels important to me to keep a part of my name. having a hyphen, part my old name, part my new name, would also be a fairly accurate representation of my relationship to everyone else; i was in fact part of another family before becoming part of this one, and both are important to me. i feel like one of them, like a good partner to D and a good adult-ish role model to the kids, and like part of their family, but i did come to the party late and am a different version of them. part of me just want to assimilate, just take their name and call it a day, and worries that keeping part of my name will just always keep me separated or singled out. their bio-mom kept her name, and i guess i wonder how the kids will feel if i do the same. will they worry i'll bail too? or will they just think it's normal? am i over-thinking all of this? probably. i tend to do that quite a bit.

i've talked to D about it, and he's okay with any decision i make. i'm glad i have the time to think this through, draw up pro and con lists, and talk to other people about it. when you got married, what name did you take, if any? did you keep your own? are your kids hyphenated? how do you feel about multiple last names and the people that have them? being born with it is one thing, adopting it later in life is another. it's flattering to think of people mistaking me for the kid's mom, and i enjoy what mom-ing i do, but i don't ever want to discount or displace their mom. she might not be around, but she is their mom and i wouldn't have them without her. i want them to know that in that way she's important. she's an absent member of the family, but we couldn't have done this without her. keeping part of my name feels like leaving a door open for her, like making a different space for me. i'm not a typical or traditionl mom, and while i don't want to have this huge conversation with everyone everytime i sign my name or go to the doctor's office or fill out a form, i wouldn't mind just smiling and saying, "it's my married name." thoughts?